I've toyed with writing a blog many times the last year and half. The chief obstacle to actually following through was my own fear. The fear of being vulnerable, fear that people would find it self-indulgent, the fear of not being able to articulate myself (I'm still nervous about this one.)  So what's changed? The motivating factors for me now are that I don't really like where I'm at in my grief and feel like I need to fumble forward, and honestly I'm not sure how to do that. I've also come to the place where  think I can lay down the fear of the opinions of others. I'm doing this for me. I even dare to hope that it might help someone else. Another baby loss mom? Another person struggling with grief? Depression? Anxiety?  2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 


I really don't know where to begin or what to write. I realize now that words and feelings want to pour out and for now, I can't really fathom how to organize all of them. Since I don't know where to begin, I'm jumping in 4 days to late to Carley Marie's Capture Your Grief Project.

 

 

Day 1- The photo was supposed to be the sunrise. Since I'm starting late, I blew this assignment.  I combed our photo files to see if I had one from Joshua's birthday like the one my friend Devany had posted from her daughter Violet's birthday, but didn't have any success. I press on. :)


Day 2- Before Loss Self-Portrait

I struggled to choose a photo for this day, not sure if I should choose a picture closer to his actual birth. I feel in many ways like the first loss came on Good Friday of 2011.  That's the day all the hopes and dreams I had for him were shattered by fuzzy images on a screen and a needle in my belly. One of my favorite photos I have of myself and our family was from our trip to Washington D.C., just a couple of months before the diagnosis. Everything seemed so promising, and we were so blissfully ignorant.

Day 3 - After Loss Self-Portrait

OK, this is actually a terrible picture of me. It's from a half marathon I did with my friend, Carrie, about 2 months after Joshua's death. I chose this photo because for me it symbolizes exactly what the race meant for me that morning- I wasn't going to let grief beat me. I'm NOT going to let grief beat me. In fact, I hope in time that the whole process will make me better, tougher. Always keenly aware of my limitations. Always thankful I don't run the race alone.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)



Day 4- Treasured Item

If you've read this far you are a true friend. :) Everything Joshua touched or wore, or that was kindly given to us in memory of him is a treasured item. One of my BLM friends said it rightly, "you want every shred of anything that had to do with your baby." True. That having been said, my most treasured items are his hats. Of course because he wore them, but also for the comfort it gave me to make them. I couldn't fix his broken heart or his damaged spine, but I could absolutely try my hardest to make sure he was literally covered in love from head to toe. My first attempts were pitiful, but after many, many, many hours of trying I managed some hats that were as close to perfect as I could get for our perfect, sweet, little man.

I'm afraid if I read, re-read, and edit, I'll end up not actually posting at all. So here it is the good, the bad and the ugly. This felt good. :)