I thought I'd start off today by explaining the title of the blog. Angie Smith, wife of the lead singer for the Christian group Selah wrote an honest and beautiful book, I Will Carry You about carrying to term their daughter, Audrey. The subtitle of the book is "The Sacred Dance of Joy and Grief." In the book, she so beautifully describes how these two seemingly conflicting emotions can exist simultaneously. She gives a very tender accounting of a baby shower she attended for a friend while pregnant with Audrey. After food and gifts, they had all gathered around to pray for safe delivery of the friend's baby. She describes the awesome weight of the grief she felt while still rejoicing for her friend, and the tears rolling down all the guests faces betrayed that everyone in the room was acutely aware of the same.

 

You would think that joy and grief are mutually exclusive emotions, but I've found through many experiences and in the everyday that they absolutely exist together. Throw away Merriam-Websters though. Joy is not neccessarily happiness. It's the Fruit of the Spirit. To me, it's the peace that comes from viewing a situation as closely to the way God's sees it as my feeble human eyes, heart and mind are able. I can't generate it, it's given by grace. I find that even now I'm still trying to learn how to dance, but I'm not sure God's overly concerned with the accuracy of my steps. Just that I trust Him, and try my best to keep up with the music.

 

 

 

Day 5 - Memorial

 

 

 

 

 

A few days after Joshua died, at the urging and generosity of Nathan's Uncle Greg, we packed up the kids and went to Disney. It's a little surreal being at the "happiest place on earth" when you're in a fog of grief, but we needed to distance ourselves from reality a little. It was great watching the kids smile and laugh, and just be kids for the day. 

 

Once we decided we were going, I immediately knew that I wanted this photo. I had seen one just like it in Angie Smith's book. Nathan was armed with his camera and a detemination to get the shot in the best lighting- sunset.  Later that day,we were standing in a store on Main Street picking out the appropriate sizes for the ears while Nathan and I tried to reconcile ourselves to the price tag for this venture. It soon became apparent that there was NO WAY Jonah was going to wear the ears, and the picture would be ruined. With the sun quickly setting and tears welling up in my eyes, I told Nathan to just let it go. As much as I desperately wanted this picture, it wasn't happening. My knight in shining armor told me to wait there, took off with Benjamin and, unbeknownst to me, literally ran down Main Street to a candy store. A few minutes later, he returned with an overpriced bag of lollipops and bribed Jonah, who now cheerfully consented to wearing the ears.

 

I wish I had a photo of Nathan getting this shot. He layed down in the road in front of Cinderalla's castle and hundreds of people  and took 25 or so pictures of kids with the wiggles and interrupting tourists in order to get this one treasured photo for me. When I look at it, tears roll because of that tiny pair of Mickey ears that will never be worn, but I'm so thankful for my four sweet kiddos here with me and my amazing husband that I love with all my heart. The sacred dance of joy and grief.